everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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