I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
