I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
