my shit smells like andre
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
