I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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