Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize