Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
