I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
