my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
