Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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