His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
