i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
