Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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