Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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