How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize