im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
