I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
