hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
