you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
She announced her abortion via fbk
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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