I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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