I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
