I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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