did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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