Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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