I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Enjoy the penises
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
