i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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