My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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