he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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