obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
