She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
