And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
