I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
