Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
