Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
