Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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