1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
