I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
