I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
