Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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