I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
