I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
