He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
