Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
