Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
