dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Pooping to opera.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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