I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize