So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
