No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
