Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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