Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
