omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize