My pussy is not your playground.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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