maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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