Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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