Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
