I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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