the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
