When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
