My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
