How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
