i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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