turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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