Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
