Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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