It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
