so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
